Early last month, I had the honor and privilege of spending three full days in retreat with an amazing group of people who are working together to create an urban community center. This was a first for me, because we had time to explore all the main component models of the Circle Sigma System rather than being limited by time to a focus on either NVC or Sociocracy. Of course by Sunday afternoon I still had the familiar sense of surprise - "how could it already be time to end?" I'm sure this would be true even if we had ten days.
Another first for me about this retreat was the willingness of the community and its leaders to commit to exploring our financial relationship as part of our time together. Throughout my exploration of generosity, I have been very transparent with prospective clients about this exploration and my hopes for their companionship on the journey. In almost every case, however, this transparency has stimulated bafflement or confusion, so I have ended up making specific financial agreements before beginning the workshop or training.
This community, however, was willing to be on the journey with me, so we entered our retreat without a specific financial agreement. We undertook this conversation on Sunday, our last day together, by exploring the concept that the phenomenon of natural giving arises when we are in touch with our own precious values and those of others with whom we are in relationship. We continued the dialogue by contrasting a gift economy with the monetary exchange economy we are part of. This was a lively conversation that stimulated discomfort and challenge for many (if not all) of us, for how often do we really talk about money? We even had the opportunity to hold a mini-Restorative Circle in response to the disconnection one member of the group felt upon hearing what someone else was saying.
Finally, we came to the point where I was ready to ready to request a specific amount of money from the community. By late Saturday I had decided that I would ask for enough money to cover travel and attendance for me at the upcoming International Intensive Training (IIT)* in Portland. Attending the IIT is an important part of my path toward CNVC certification, and I had been uncertain how to make it work financially. Thus it made sense to me ask for an amount that would enable me to attend the IIT, as becoming a certified NVC trainer will contribute to my effectiveness in supporting communities like this one.
What I experienced when I shared this request on Sunday was surprising to me. Up until the point where I shared my hopes for receiving a specific total amount of money with the participants, I was fully engaged in offering my time, presence and skill to this community as a wholehearted gift. The minute I spoke the specific amount, attachment to that amount arose, although I did not realize that until later. What I did notice immediately was a sinking feeling in my stomach, accompanied by the thought, "oh no, I just turned this into an exchange!" That sense of discomfort stayed in my awareness to some degree during our last session, the closing ceremony, and dinner.
Sunday evening I opened the envelope containing checks from most of the participants. My initial pass through the checks was to see how much I had received, so my focus was only on the amount of each check. When I realized the total amount was about 2/3 of what I had asked for, I came face-to-face with attachment for that amount - attachment I hadn't even been aware of! Even when I reminded myself that there were still two people who had not yet contributed, I noticed a sense of disappointment in the total amount.
The penultimate event of this story, when I was going through the envelope of checks in preparation for depositing them, also contained a surprise for me. This time, however, after writing down the amount of each check on the deposit slip, I found myself looking at the name on the check and seeing the person's face in my mind. This quickly became a deeply moving practice, as I remembered my interactions with each of these people (and those whose checks I had not received yet), cherished the warmth of my experience with them, and felt immense gratitude for their willingness to be on this journey of exploration with me. By the time I was finished with the stack, I no longer cared about the total amount of the deposit. I had become completely connected with all the other ways our time together contributed to my sense of joy, meaning, connection and aliveness.
While I was still lightly tracking that two of the participants had committed to send their checks to me by mail, I was so content with the amount I had already received that I was surprised to receive an envelope from one of these individuals. I was shocked, delighted, amazed and overwhelmed with gratitude when I saw the amount of the check, for it brought me within 10% of the amount I had requested, guaranteeing financial ease and sustainability for my attending the IIT. Once again I enjoyed connecting with my appreciation for all of the people in this group, and for the their presence, engagement and willingness to explore. This was their most lasting gift.
Reflecting on this experience, I want to share three realizations that I hope will inform my ongoing exploration of generosity and might be of interest to others:
- It's really hard to really talk about money. Honest conversations about this topic stimulate discomfort, fear, habitual reactivity and conflict - all beautiful expressions of our humanity and aliveness. I look forward to many more of these opportunities, along with the invaluable learning and connection they provide.
- Next time, I don't want to ask for a specific amount. I'm eager to see how the experience of generously accepting what is offered, without asking for a specific amount, compares with this one. I'm also not sure how to make a doable request about contribution without naming a specific amount.
- I want to remember to reflect on and cherish my relationships. I intend to continue the practice of visualizing people and connecting with my gratitude for them when I see their names on checks, or even on an attendance roster. This contributes to deep joy in offering just for the sake of offering, to be in service to those I care about.
That's it for now. I wonder what will arise next in this journey of exploration?
* The IIT is a residential retreat sponsored by the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC).
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